I didn't do so well with my vow to write in my blog everyday during my comprehensive exam and the day I turned my exam in--Nov. 15--I couldn't bear the thought of sitting at the typewriter and writing another word. I spent from Nov. 15 through Nov. 23 resting, truly resting. I read a 600+ page novel (The Golden Notebook) and knit and knit. The novel I reread every couple of years or so and always find something new in it. On Nov. 23, I was afraid to look in my school e-mail, but I was also drawn to it every few minutes. I didn't hear anything. I didn't hear anything Thanksgiving Day and I didn't hear anything the day after. Saturday afternoon the e-mail arrived in my inbox. My heart was pounding as I opened it up. I PASSED!
Of course, there were some comments for possible improvement and some things I didn't do quite as well as I could have, but I passed. When I had turned in my exam, I wrote to my professor that I entirely expected to have to go into the two week re-write; I had totally run out of steam the last couple of days. After seeing the congratulations and learning that I am now a PhD candidate, I went into shock. I think I have been in some kind of shock since that time.
The time of secrecy is over. I can now talk about what I am doing. I missed being able to discuss ideas and thoughts with people immensely while doing my exam. During graduate school I have become very used to learning by discussion. I have an approved dissertation mentor and am in the process of putting together my dissertation team. I hope to have that all done by next week. On Friday the 16th, I have a conference call with my dissertation advisor to help "breeze" my way into this new process.
The current working title of my dissertation is "Rocky Fields of Dreams: A Qualitative Study of Under-Resourced College Students and Hope." I have often heard that pieces of paper (such as diplomas and degrees) really don't make a difference in how one feels. However, I do find this milestone to have been a huge boost to my self efficacy and esteem. I now believe that I can make a difference in the world of higher education and in students' lives. I guess I feel more legitimate. My students were very happy I passed and showed great curiosity about the whole process. What better way to demonstrate my belief in education and lifelong learning than to share my journey with my students.
So it is on to Winter break for about a month. I have several classes to prepare to teach for winter term and I am going to get going on the Scientific Merit Review form for my proposed research. You see, I need to prove to the committee and to the University that my study can actually add some new, original piece of knowledge to the pool before they will let me proceed. I have jumped back into researching Hope and have temporarily put aside all of the research on transformative learning theory and multicultural classrooms and such (part of the exam). I am now ready to learn how to take my place among the thinkers. I rather feel like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz that has been given permission to think great thoughts. I don't know who the man behind the curtain was, though....perhaps he was just me.
